I am lost, like really lost. Today all I am craving for is a crossroad, where you can figure out what will happen if you choose a path to east, south, west or south. Life has become a traffic jam for me; figuratively when I get stuck in the traffic jam with a lot of cars, I start to worry as it appears to me as cul-de-sac. I start to panic that I will not be able to get out of the sight of the evil eyes, which are constantly on me. This is the feeling I have right now. I don’t understand I never bothered anyone, I always knew who is lying to my face and they thought I am a fool to figure it out.
My tolerance for everything has become really low as if my car has run out of gas and to ignite my life engine wouldn’t be easy. Sometimes, I feel I was a warrior in my past birth and the qualities have followed me in this birth too. However, maybe I am not that a good one in this birth. I’ve been trying everything to make it happen, but at the end of the day, I feel I’ve failed. I have supporters by my side who feel proud of me that no one could’ve done what I have stood for in my life. Still, I wonder, is it enough to win over the situation. Well, maybe or maybe not.
It is not that I’ve not tried or I’ve given up. It is just that my brain isn’t working anymore. I am absolutely exhausted, I feel my body is going to drain any moment and my body and soul will become sand and would blend gradually in earth and vanish. I don’t know what else to do. Is there any way out? I am still waiting to see a crossroad where you get to select which path to lead on. Right or wrong, is not that I worry about, it’s mainly about that I tried.
Regret is one thing I never want to do; I don’t want to live a life where I remember my life recalling it as; I wish, I desire, I wanted to but… No, those days are over, I want to gain my self-confidence back, which I’ve let others ruined it, I’ve to stand for myself; no one can help me, really no one.
I am sad for over a year now, no matter how hard I tried and trying to cope up with the situation but not really able to. I would be lying if I say that yes I am a strong girl and hasn’t even cried once, so far. In reality, I have made my pillows soaked in my tears, my bathroom became a little home, in my penthouse apartment. My emotions were flying on all the walls of the house as if they were saying – “ yes we know what you’re going through. With the loneliness and feeling detached to my own beautiful life (which once was) now the house gives me sympathetic eyes from every direction. And inside, I am shouting what to do, I am helpless, my heart cries and sobs and my body leans on one of the walls for a hug.
Life’s a bitch and it has been always to me. I’ve been so nice to everyone and what I got in return is – not even worth for a rag picker.